“There are blonde and blondes and it is

“There are blonde and blondes and it is almost a joke word nowadays. All blondes have their points, except perhaps the metallic ones who are as blonde as a Zulu under the bleach and as to disposition as soft as a sidewalk. There is the small cute blonde who cheeps and twitters, and the big statuesque blonde who straight-arms you with an ice-blue glare. There is the blonde who gives you the up-from-under look and smells lovely and shimmers and hangs on your arm and is always very, very tired when you take her home…..There is the soft and willing alcoholic blonde who doesn’t care what she wears as long as it is mink or where she goes as long as it is the Starlight Roof and there is plenty of dry champagne. There is the small perky blonde who is a little pale and wants to pay her own way and is full of sunshine and common sense and knows judo from the ground up and can toss a truck driver over her shoulder without missing more than one sentence out of the editorial in the Saturday Review. There is the pale, pale blonde with anemia of some non-fatal but incurable type. She’s very languid and very shadowy and she speaks softly out of nowhere and you can’t lay a finger on her because in the first place you don’t want to and in the second place she is reading the Wasteland or Dante in the original, or Kafka or Kierkegaard or studying Provencal…..And lastly there is the gorgeous show piece who will outlast three kingpin racketeers and then marry a couple of millionaires at a million a head and end up with a pale rose villa at Cap d’Antibes, and Alfa Romeo town car complete with pilot and co-pilot, and a stable of shopworn aristocrats, all of whom she will treat with the affectionate absentmindedness of an elderly duke saying good night to his butler.”- Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye

Fall Reading: Moby Dick

It’s back to school time. I love seeing all of the notebooks, planners, and pencils on display. I like to look at pictures of girls in houndstooth coats and colored tights and pretend that it will actually get cold enough to wear those things. I also like to pretend that Los Angeles has seasons, and that I’ll be sitting at a desk looking at the orange leaves with a reading list in my hand.

Well, there is no reading list for me this Fall so I am giving myself a project. Starting today,September first, I am going to make my third and hopefully final attempt at reading Moby Dick.

The first time I attempted to read Moby Dick I was in the fourth grade. After a week or so of sitting in the library I decided I was not yet ready for such a literary behemoth.

My second attempt was in my final year of college. Things started out great. The book was exciting, funny, and charming, I thought to myself “This is no problem! I’m actually enjoying this!” Then I came to the endless chapters about the science of whales and spermecettie. I get that in a pre-wikipedia world people probably really dug this sort of info. I quickly grew bored, and then behind. I did terrible on the midterm and barely passed that class. It was the first time I struggled in an English class.

Now I have a Moby Dick complex. Yes, there are many books I pick up and decide I’m not going to finish, but I feel I didn’t ever DECIDE this about Moby Dick. It’s always conquered me somehow and left me feeling inadequate and unfit to call myself a book lover. It’s not that the book is complex, it’s just a test of endurance. A test I hope to pass this fall. Thanksgiving is the goal.

Yes, I know how ironic it is that my white whale of a novel is Moby Dick but I will conquer it or go mad trying.

Call me an over-educated bum.

Gilmore Girls Theories

I watch Gilmore Girls obsessively. Rory Gilmore is one of my favorite TV role models. However, I’ve noticed some strange things in Star’s Hollow and I wanted to share my theories.

1. Kirk is a serial Killer. He has a million jobs, never sleeps, and is creepy involved with his mother. A mother we NEVER see. I’ve seen psycho. I know what’s up. Kirk probably bought the Twikham house to hide all the bodies.

2. Taylor is Lane’s Dad. Lane is always referring to “my parents” but we only ever see Mrs. Kim. This leads me to believe that her father is alive and somewhere in Star’s hollow. Who is the only person as puritanical as Mrs. Kim? Taylor. Who else is a successful Star’s Hollow business owner? Taylor. It’s a match made in seventh day adventist heaven.

3. Babbette, Miss Patty, and Mauri are pulling a Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice (minus Ted). While Patty’s biggest love affair has been with the business we call show, she has also had a string of marriages and romances. Babbette is in to hanging Maury from a tree on Halloween. The two ladies always hang out and are obviously old bohemians. Some free love is happening there.  

Eric Matthews Syndrome

Do you remember Eric Matthews, the older brother of Cory Matthews on the show Boy Meets World?Eric was cool and though he often gave Cory a hard time, Eric always stuck up for him when it really mattered. That’s the Eric I like to remember, the thoughtful well-rounded character of the first few seasons. Eric would change. Tragically Eric came down with a disease that would make his IQ plummet. At his lowest Eric would have less brain activity than that of a field mouse.

While there is nothing wrong with exploring gender roles, in Eric’s case the behavior was out of character and possibly an early sign of EMS.

Though this disease is named Eric Matthews Syndrome it has been around for many years. Take for example Samuel Powers aka Screech. Screech was a smart sensitive kid. He even built and programmed his own Robot that he named Kevin.

Screech before EMS with his robot, Kevin. Note the Einstein poster and other signs of intelligence.

But somewhere during his early high school career Screech changed, he became less like the thoughtful kid we knew and more like a human manifestation of Scooby Doo. Ro roh Screech! Valley is here and they want to kick your ass.

Screech as EMS begins to set in, notice Zack and Slater restraining him by his suspenders.

Another sufferer is Joey Tribbiani. Sure, Joey was never bright but he knew words. By the end of the show his vocabulary and likability had dwindeled. Joey became unable to live alone so Monica and Chandler agreed to take him in.

One day there will be a cure.

While EMS currently has no cure it is important to get the word out about the disease. Even though EMS drastically changes a person it often goes unnoticed by the victim’s friends and family. Early diagnosis may help make EMS more treatable. Be on the look out before your favorite characters come down with EMS.

LA Field Trip: War Horse

Do not think that just because this staging uses puppets that you can leave home without tissues. Bring the tissues! War Horse beautifully illustrates the madness of war in a way I’ve never seen before.

The puppeteers are the heart of the performance. I will be thinking about how they stepped away from Topthorn for a long time.

Los Angeles has some great theater, so take advantage of it won’t you?

Book Recommendation of the Week: Apartment Therapy

I just moved into a new apartment and have no idea what to do with it. It has to be a functional space for me, my boyfriend, and Scout (our dog). It also has to appeal to both our aesthetics (Scout has no preference in this category). I browsed some books on decor at Barnes and Noble and found nothing, then my friend lent me Apartment Therapy: The eight-step home cure , yes you know apartment therapy from their blog.

I’ve only read two chapters but this book is already so helpful! I love that it is a step-by-step guide that gets down to the core of your apartment issues. So many home improvement books are just pretty pictures of expensive things. This book is making me feel like I can set up a warm, inviting space that is functional and matches our tastes. My hope has been restored!

Moving in: Step One.

I just moved in with my boyfriend (yay!) but our place is significantly smaller than where I was living before (boo!). Despite it’s humble size I’m excited to make the place all our own.

We have a lot of stuff. A LOT! (And yet nothing we need.) So step 1 in making this place livable is purging. Here is the way we are breaking down our give away boxes.

1. Amoeba

We had so many doubles of DVDs (The Royal Tennenbaums, Moulin Rouge, American Beauty, etc.) so Amoeba is getting this collection. In return we will be getting cash or store credit.

2. The Los Angeles Public Library

Surprisingly, I have very few books. I only keep my absolute favorites. Everything else I pass on. My boyfriend however tends to view books as trophies.  The books we have managed to say goodbye to our going to The Los Angeles Public Library.

3. Operations Blankets of Love

This organization collects old blankets and towels and gives them to animal shelters. All of our old blankets are going here and we are getting more storage space.

4. Garage Sale

Everything else is going in boxes to be sold at our friend’s garage sale.

I’m back to being an Over-Educated bum.

When I began this blog I wanted it to chronicle my adventures as an unemployed college graduate. Then I got a job.

But like most jobs, it was awful. So in a very Lester Burnham inspired way I quit.

For the time being I’m a full time Over-Educated bum.

 

You Should be Reading: Sarah Waters

Sarah Waters writes historical fiction unlike the historical fiction you have read. It’s gritty, it’s dark, there’s sex.  Her strength is telling the story through the voices of her characters.

I discovered her when I read Tipping the Velvet, and it’s safe to say I’ve never read anything like it. It is about a young girl, Nan who works in her family’s Oyster Restuarant. Nan is captivated by a woman she sees perform at a dance hall. Nan comes to realize she is in love with this woman, something unheard of in 1890.

Now I’m reading Fingersmith. I can’t read it fast enough. Fingersmith is sort of like Oliver Twist, only the protagonist is an orphaned girl. I can already tell it’s going to be more shocking, and more suspenseful than Dickens. That’s how I see Sarah Waters, a modernized Dickens.

If you haven’t been reading Sarah Waters, you should be.

*Image from the BBC movie version of Tipping the Velvet. Which I’m dying to see.

I HATE Amelia Bedilia

I read a lot as a kid. My book snobbery started young, and now that I’m an adult (that’s what it’s called when you have a bachelor’s degree in Literature and Creative Writing but no career, right?) I feel I can finally vocalize my extreme hatred of Amelia Bedilia.

Amelia Bedilia is an idiot. I don’t know how anyone can find her mistakes charming. It’s a miracle she has never killed anyone. It’s surely only a matter of time.

Slow down there Amelia, before someone charges you with malpractice.

Amelia is not qualified for the jobs she applies for. In fact, I don’t think she is qualified to be in public unsupervised.

Here she is leaving a classroom of children behind.

Those poor children, their inquisitive minds burning for knowledge completely unaware that Amelia Bedilia is about to ruin any chance they ever had at going to college. If they were at a private school they might have sensed Amelia was not a credentialed teacher by her insistence on wearing a maid’s uniform. However, having never seen a maid these children thought her outfit and bonnet quite nice.

Who are your references, Amelia? Who?!